let the fire burn

nothing, and i mean nothing, tears at my being more than wanting something so bad and not knowing if i can have it. not knowing if i can ever truly be enough to granted entry into that world. i want to taste it. touch it. smell it..... feel it. feel the way that i have wanted to feel in a long long time. what's even worse is that i can see it. touch it occasionally. taste it. smell it......... missing the heart part of it. missing the last part of it. i cant tell her anything more than what i already have. i cant be anything more than what i already am. i can't reach her if she doesn't answer my calls. i cant infect her if she wont let me in. whats the key? do "I" have it? or is there a combination? or is this just a pipe dream? is this payback for something i did? if so, i can see that. i can quote u the check number. i know when and where i signed it. is karma kicking me in the gut?............. again? can it be that now is the time i learn patience? humility? true strength? perseverance? confidence? how do u catch a butterfly? how do u hold the wind? how do u let the fire burn without scorching your skin? my problem is, i want to chase the rainbow. i need to pursue the wind. i have to feel the fire and let it burn me. because once i make it into the fire my soul will be ignited with the passion and the flames that calm my senses down. and i can be the man i have always wanted to be. i need the flames. i need the fire. i cant turn this shit up alone. i need that spark. the fire in the eyes of another. this angel to put me out of my misery. what part am i missing? what part is wrong? we laugh together. we play together. we sing together. she wants someone like me. i want someone like her. or is this the wrong tree? maybe this is an example of the kind of person that i ultimately want. maybe this is the mold from which the search begins. why did he put her in my path..... now? why now? why did i run into her? i was actually good with the wallow and the misery. not happy but good. i was used to it. i knew what to expect and how to handle it. Darlene was a tiger. tall. hot. attitude. flighty. that's where it went bad. i have only one speed. cant be a jerk. can t be an asshole. cant be fake. she didn't wanna take the plunge. and she flew away. never to be seen again. Jill. Marcey. Helen. All flew away.

all i know is.......

Once I left the bullshit behind... u are beginning to fill the vacancies in my life that I mentioned to you. In retrospect, u are filling more than I "required" with anyone else... the this.. the that... shit and stuff... all the other discrepancies i thought i needed to change. Getting to understand you, to know you, to feel you, is the opening my eyes to world that i thought was limited to another (like I said before).

I guess you have figured out by now that I tend to pour out my guts when it has exceeded its limit. And I am OK with that. I dont ever feel like I am confessing..... but more like a testament to what's been cooking and finally served on a much well deserved plate. The things and possibilities that have been discussed and dreamt are incredibly satisfying and fulfilling,

You say it's me... and I believe that... The heat is so......... intense... never been the "victim" of intensity... always the "offender." and the evocation you provide is absolutely fukking ridiculous!!! I feel like I am hooked up to a car battery and YOU are hitting me with the red and the black every time you turn me on! What part of, "Kill Me Now" do I have to explain? I could die in your eyes, I could live in your words. I could breathe in your touch. And it intensifies the more we spend fleeting time together... so it gets worse........... just let me swim in the whiskey barrel eyes on more time.. every day.

Fifteen to forty-five days is going to make me and break me... For obvious reasons...

I am not worried about the departure... nor the return... i am not looking forward to the denial of access to what has been bequeathed upon me. To be given such a precious gift and then to have to set it down for an extended period of time without the ability to reach out and touch it when needed... I know will be tough - for boff!

BUT the reward for traveling through HELL will be a journey through hills and beaches with a man that will protect you... and console you... and ignite you... and cool you... and sacrifice for you... as we said...

#forever and a #lifetime

missing something

U need the thing... that thing that pushes u... that thing that makes u get up when u don't want to... that thing that makes u...... yern for the heat... the smolder... the shit that makes u batshitfukkin crazy! I neeeed that... and I can't seem to find it. Maybe because I'm "looking." Or maybe it's not the right time. Or I'm paying back a karma check I forgot I wrote. Can't remember how many zeros was in that mother fucker either. It may not be a need. But a want. My soul, as black as it is, needs to feed on that fire. That heat. I need to explode. Unleash the oceanic wave of lust and passion and connectivity with a another castoff in epic proportions. I almost feel bad for the one that gets painted next. wanna be distracted. Encouraged. Anxious. Fucking riled up! So what you got? Anything? Nothing?

pain that resides

I don't know what you're doing. I don't know where you've been. I can't tell you how you feel. But you should......... these next words are unfair. Leaving the bait in the water.... hoping you bite... but we both know it won't lead to anywhere... So I'll say this....... my scars remind me of that dream, once fulfilled. More than once dwelled upon. Often relived and romanced to another feeble attempt to reconnect and "try to love each other." I wish I said one thing... I wish I begged a little harder... I wish...... a lot of things. I don't know if I need to find a suitable replacement or if I need to just kill all those dreams. They infect me. They frustrate me because I cannot lobby hard enough to change them. My fear is that - everything I have realized - and I pain in that decision. I keep finding myself comparing pasts and futures. I relive opinions from others. Segmented memories. Valued experiences. Druthers, as a mother fucker, keeps kicking me in the balls. Why? How did we do thi............ see!?!? I keep asking the same fucking questions. To say the least, I would like a new pilot. A new "old" pilot. My goal is to fix things. Is this one of them? Only with the right instructions. Tell me what to do. Show me how to live. Like a stone. I would prefer the original plan..... willing to call a lifeline. Willing to do....... what I need to. -Speed

u wrote it on the wall 12 months ago

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Life Changes (authored 8/10)

PART I

Or should I say things change Life... And to what do I own these changes? Fate? Idiocy? A Divine Plan? Who the Hell knows. FUKK! At this point I don't really care.

All I knows is this - we play the cards in front of us. Kinda sounds "matter-of-fact" or dogmatic but, what are you gonna do??? Run and hide I guess would be an option. But shit always comes back to bite me right in the ass! I could pretend to "be in the moment" but, I suck as an actor. Plus I would be walking away from the most bitter-sweet thing to happen to me.

The only thing I know is that I have to endure that Hell for a while. Making shit up as I go along usually works for me... so I am gonna keep doing it. That could mean my situ changes TODAY! or in 3 years... I dunno. My experience says that when I push for shit, it NEVER works out (see the fukkin bullshit I'm in now). So I will let this path develop on its own and see where it leads me.

SO, while I'm on this little journey, I can fukkin guarantee you one thing... I WILL BE THE BEST MUSTAFA I CAN BE FOR MY LIL SIMBA (btw, SIMBA's a girl). And no bitch next door nor anyone out there is going to keep me from loving and cherishing that lil honeybee until I be burned to the ground and stuck in a jar! NO ONE!!!


PART II

Do you have a certain food that you ABSOLUTELY love and could eat all the time - except for one thing??? I love BBQ sausage (NO DIKK JOKES FUKKERS) but I cant eat more than a link and a half 'cause I end up getting a headache from all the grease or something. But dayumm that shit is good with some sauce in between some white bread with the sauce dripping down your fingers!!! Mmmmmmmm so good. In hind-sight you know that shit isn't very "good" for you and you shouldn't eat a ton of it anyway............. BUT FUKK IT'S SOOOOO GOOD!!!


I remember once when I met this girl. She was very cute and very "my type." She was nice and friendly, laughed at my jokes. She stared at me when I worked out and I stared at her when she did practically anything. Man, she was hot! But she had a bf... and she went through this little tortured relationship with him and his inability to actually love her... I never understood it really. So we were friends and such. YADAYADAYADA. Then a couple of years later, she and I were talking and at that point she was single, I was in a relationship - with nothing to lose. I asked her, "what ever happened to us?" She said something that I will never forget and that sometimes haunts me. She said that she regretted loosing me (?) and I was the one that got away........

Well fukkin piss on me and call me Buford!!!

I was shocked! Like just finding out that Darth Vader IS my father shocked!!! (btw my real father is not that caring or involved enough to tell me shit!) I was really quite surprised by that. Made me think that timing has a lot to do with EVERYTHING!!! kinda like catching the crosstown when you're ALREADY late for work - if u miss it, you're fukked like Chuck! But if u catch it, you'll be on time to work. Timing can affect the person that sleeps next to you. It can also save you from that same person................. trust me on this one. But it can also keep things from happening until it's time... U know, like when ur baking cookies and u wanna take them out already so u can enjoy their soft-gooey-chocolate-iness!!! OR u can wait and ALLOW time to do what it has to and enjoy that perfect cookie when the time is right. FUKK I HATE WAITING!

So I choose to wait... adrift on this ride we call Life. and while afloat, I will see and experience different things... question is, how's ur boat?

My Confessions

Dear My Helicopter Pilot,

It has been more than three years since my last confession. I have been through the forest and I have come out with a totally different outlook than I had when I went in. That outlook. That vision. That epiphany, if you wanna call it that, is you. The epiphany hit me when I questioned myself for the thousandth time, "why are you still thinking about her?" The answer to me was painfully obvious.

The truth is, when you were, in my eyes, "freaking out", I was freaking out. You even told me so. I didn't want to believe it but there it was the whole time. I made you freak out and that in turn made me freak out. I guess what I am saying is that I may have fueled the fire a lot more than I thought. I blame me for a lot of things. Mostly running away. That's my M.O. I don't know where it comes from but that's not what this is about.

What this is about is this: I have had ample time to "forget about you." No dice! I still have you on my mind... in my thoughts... on my phone... consuming my desire... caressing my memories...

When I think of where you are today, I think a ton of shit. You have moved on. I have moved on. Your three stars have undoubtedly moved on. What can a thousand plus days really do to us? I made a choice that I probably knew was wrong. Again. And now I feel like the biggest dick in the world. The first one should have told me what I needed to hear... not what I wanted to hear. And then I listened to the second voice and it said that I didn't need you. Fuck! Wrong again... I guess that's where this whole thing is coming from. This is my confession to you.

I confess that I was wrong a lot more times than you. I was wrong for not coming home that night and leaving you wondering where the fuck I was til 10 in the morning. I was wrong when I didn't tell you that I loved you when you needed me most. I was wrong when I turned you away when all you needed was a little confirmation of our bond. I was wrong when I treated you so poorly that I wanted to kill myself. I was wrong to let you go.

My base keeps telling me two things. One, if I never see you again, I will have shortcut myself. I will have self-fulfilled my own prophecy and live haunted forever. Two, if I ever find you again, I will truly do anything and everything I can to never let the stupid and fucked up shite ever get in our way again. I think I have said that before, and you have heard that before.

My promise, my commitment, my soul self-engraved vow is to take what you give me and preserve it for eternity. To take the gargoyles in my mind and set them in front of us to ward off all the evil that surrounds us. To let us be the Abe Lincolns that we were once before.

I dream of you all the time. I fantasize about us all the time. I remember the feeling that I had with you and I have desperately tried to recreate that and I just simply cannot. The taste is different. The smell is unbearable. The passion is bland. The texture is off. The comfort levels are all wrong. The feeling doesn't feel right. The mind doesn't think the same way. It's just wrong.

The only thing I expect from this is nothing. I don't expect you to read this. And if you do, I don't expect you to come running back to me. This is just me 'fessing to the shit and the processes that I have been dealing with ever since you drove away in tears. This is the process that I have been compiling since you walked out of my store that afternoon. I should have replied long before now but, the voices said no!

Don't say yes, just say maybe.......

-SR