missing something

U need the thing... that thing that pushes u... that thing that makes u get up when u don't want to... that thing that makes u...... yern for the heat... the smolder... the shit that makes u batshitfukkin crazy! I neeeed that... and I can't seem to find it. Maybe because I'm "looking." Or maybe it's not the right time. Or I'm paying back a karma check I forgot I wrote. Can't remember how many zeros was in that mother fucker either. It may not be a need. But a want. My soul, as black as it is, needs to feed on that fire. That heat. I need to explode. Unleash the oceanic wave of lust and passion and connectivity with a another castoff in epic proportions. I almost feel bad for the one that gets painted next. wanna be distracted. Encouraged. Anxious. Fucking riled up! So what you got? Anything? Nothing?

pain that resides

I don't know what you're doing. I don't know where you've been. I can't tell you how you feel. But you should......... these next words are unfair. Leaving the bait in the water.... hoping you bite... but we both know it won't lead to anywhere... So I'll say this....... my scars remind me of that dream, once fulfilled. More than once dwelled upon. Often relived and romanced to another feeble attempt to reconnect and "try to love each other." I wish I said one thing... I wish I begged a little harder... I wish...... a lot of things. I don't know if I need to find a suitable replacement or if I need to just kill all those dreams. They infect me. They frustrate me because I cannot lobby hard enough to change them. My fear is that - everything I have realized - and I pain in that decision. I keep finding myself comparing pasts and futures. I relive opinions from others. Segmented memories. Valued experiences. Druthers, as a mother fucker, keeps kicking me in the balls. Why? How did we do thi............ see!?!? I keep asking the same fucking questions. To say the least, I would like a new pilot. A new "old" pilot. My goal is to fix things. Is this one of them? Only with the right instructions. Tell me what to do. Show me how to live. Like a stone. I would prefer the original plan..... willing to call a lifeline. Willing to do....... what I need to. -Speed