let the fire burn

nothing, and i mean nothing, tears at my being more than wanting something so bad and not knowing if i can have it. not knowing if i can ever truly be enough to granted entry into that world. i want to taste it. touch it. smell it..... feel it. feel the way that i have wanted to feel in a long long time. what's even worse is that i can see it. touch it occasionally. taste it. smell it......... missing the heart part of it. missing the last part of it. i cant tell her anything more than what i already have. i cant be anything more than what i already am. i can't reach her if she doesn't answer my calls. i cant infect her if she wont let me in. whats the key? do "I" have it? or is there a combination? or is this just a pipe dream? is this payback for something i did? if so, i can see that. i can quote u the check number. i know when and where i signed it. is karma kicking me in the gut?............. again? can it be that now is the time i learn patience? humility? true strength? perseverance? confidence? how do u catch a butterfly? how do u hold the wind? how do u let the fire burn without scorching your skin? my problem is, i want to chase the rainbow. i need to pursue the wind. i have to feel the fire and let it burn me. because once i make it into the fire my soul will be ignited with the passion and the flames that calm my senses down. and i can be the man i have always wanted to be. i need the flames. i need the fire. i cant turn this shit up alone. i need that spark. the fire in the eyes of another. this angel to put me out of my misery. what part am i missing? what part is wrong? we laugh together. we play together. we sing together. she wants someone like me. i want someone like her. or is this the wrong tree? maybe this is an example of the kind of person that i ultimately want. maybe this is the mold from which the search begins. why did he put her in my path..... now? why now? why did i run into her? i was actually good with the wallow and the misery. not happy but good. i was used to it. i knew what to expect and how to handle it. Darlene was a tiger. tall. hot. attitude. flighty. that's where it went bad. i have only one speed. cant be a jerk. can t be an asshole. cant be fake. she didn't wanna take the plunge. and she flew away. never to be seen again. Jill. Marcey. Helen. All flew away.

all i know is.......

Once I left the bullshit behind... u are beginning to fill the vacancies in my life that I mentioned to you. In retrospect, u are filling more than I "required" with anyone else... the this.. the that... shit and stuff... all the other discrepancies i thought i needed to change. Getting to understand you, to know you, to feel you, is the opening my eyes to world that i thought was limited to another (like I said before).

I guess you have figured out by now that I tend to pour out my guts when it has exceeded its limit. And I am OK with that. I dont ever feel like I am confessing..... but more like a testament to what's been cooking and finally served on a much well deserved plate. The things and possibilities that have been discussed and dreamt are incredibly satisfying and fulfilling,

You say it's me... and I believe that... The heat is so......... intense... never been the "victim" of intensity... always the "offender." and the evocation you provide is absolutely fukking ridiculous!!! I feel like I am hooked up to a car battery and YOU are hitting me with the red and the black every time you turn me on! What part of, "Kill Me Now" do I have to explain? I could die in your eyes, I could live in your words. I could breathe in your touch. And it intensifies the more we spend fleeting time together... so it gets worse........... just let me swim in the whiskey barrel eyes on more time.. every day.

Fifteen to forty-five days is going to make me and break me... For obvious reasons...

I am not worried about the departure... nor the return... i am not looking forward to the denial of access to what has been bequeathed upon me. To be given such a precious gift and then to have to set it down for an extended period of time without the ability to reach out and touch it when needed... I know will be tough - for boff!

BUT the reward for traveling through HELL will be a journey through hills and beaches with a man that will protect you... and console you... and ignite you... and cool you... and sacrifice for you... as we said...

#forever and a #lifetime