let the fire burn

nothing, and i mean nothing, tears at my being more than wanting something so bad and not knowing if i can have it. not knowing if i can ever truly be enough to granted entry into that world. i want to taste it. touch it. smell it..... feel it. feel the way that i have wanted to feel in a long long time. what's even worse is that i can see it. touch it occasionally. taste it. smell it......... missing the heart part of it. missing the last part of it. i cant tell her anything more than what i already have. i cant be anything more than what i already am. i can't reach her if she doesn't answer my calls. i cant infect her if she wont let me in. whats the key? do "I" have it? or is there a combination? or is this just a pipe dream? is this payback for something i did? if so, i can see that. i can quote u the check number. i know when and where i signed it. is karma kicking me in the gut?............. again? can it be that now is the time i learn patience? humility? true strength? perseverance? confidence? how do u catch a butterfly? how do u hold the wind? how do u let the fire burn without scorching your skin? my problem is, i want to chase the rainbow. i need to pursue the wind. i have to feel the fire and let it burn me. because once i make it into the fire my soul will be ignited with the passion and the flames that calm my senses down. and i can be the man i have always wanted to be. i need the flames. i need the fire. i cant turn this shit up alone. i need that spark. the fire in the eyes of another. this angel to put me out of my misery. what part am i missing? what part is wrong? we laugh together. we play together. we sing together. she wants someone like me. i want someone like her. or is this the wrong tree? maybe this is an example of the kind of person that i ultimately want. maybe this is the mold from which the search begins. why did he put her in my path..... now? why now? why did i run into her? i was actually good with the wallow and the misery. not happy but good. i was used to it. i knew what to expect and how to handle it. Darlene was a tiger. tall. hot. attitude. flighty. that's where it went bad. i have only one speed. cant be a jerk. can t be an asshole. cant be fake. she didn't wanna take the plunge. and she flew away. never to be seen again. Jill. Marcey. Helen. All flew away.