missing something

U need the thing... that thing that pushes u... that thing that makes u get up when u don't want to... that thing that makes u...... yern for the heat... the smolder... the shit that makes u batshitfukkin crazy! I neeeed that... and I can't seem to find it. Maybe because I'm "looking." Or maybe it's not the right time. Or I'm paying back a karma check I forgot I wrote. Can't remember how many zeros was in that mother fucker either. It may not be a need. But a want. My soul, as black as it is, needs to feed on that fire. That heat. I need to explode. Unleash the oceanic wave of lust and passion and connectivity with a another castoff in epic proportions. I almost feel bad for the one that gets painted next. wanna be distracted. Encouraged. Anxious. Fucking riled up! So what you got? Anything? Nothing?

pain that resides

I don't know what you're doing. I don't know where you've been. I can't tell you how you feel. But you should......... these next words are unfair. Leaving the bait in the water.... hoping you bite... but we both know it won't lead to anywhere... So I'll say this....... my scars remind me of that dream, once fulfilled. More than once dwelled upon. Often relived and romanced to another feeble attempt to reconnect and "try to love each other." I wish I said one thing... I wish I begged a little harder... I wish...... a lot of things. I don't know if I need to find a suitable replacement or if I need to just kill all those dreams. They infect me. They frustrate me because I cannot lobby hard enough to change them. My fear is that - everything I have realized - and I pain in that decision. I keep finding myself comparing pasts and futures. I relive opinions from others. Segmented memories. Valued experiences. Druthers, as a mother fucker, keeps kicking me in the balls. Why? How did we do thi............ see!?!? I keep asking the same fucking questions. To say the least, I would like a new pilot. A new "old" pilot. My goal is to fix things. Is this one of them? Only with the right instructions. Tell me what to do. Show me how to live. Like a stone. I would prefer the original plan..... willing to call a lifeline. Willing to do....... what I need to. -Speed

u wrote it on the wall 12 months ago

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Life Changes (authored 8/10)

PART I

Or should I say things change Life... And to what do I own these changes? Fate? Idiocy? A Divine Plan? Who the Hell knows. FUKK! At this point I don't really care.

All I knows is this - we play the cards in front of us. Kinda sounds "matter-of-fact" or dogmatic but, what are you gonna do??? Run and hide I guess would be an option. But shit always comes back to bite me right in the ass! I could pretend to "be in the moment" but, I suck as an actor. Plus I would be walking away from the most bitter-sweet thing to happen to me.

The only thing I know is that I have to endure that Hell for a while. Making shit up as I go along usually works for me... so I am gonna keep doing it. That could mean my situ changes TODAY! or in 3 years... I dunno. My experience says that when I push for shit, it NEVER works out (see the fukkin bullshit I'm in now). So I will let this path develop on its own and see where it leads me.

SO, while I'm on this little journey, I can fukkin guarantee you one thing... I WILL BE THE BEST MUSTAFA I CAN BE FOR MY LIL SIMBA (btw, SIMBA's a girl). And no bitch next door nor anyone out there is going to keep me from loving and cherishing that lil honeybee until I be burned to the ground and stuck in a jar! NO ONE!!!


PART II

Do you have a certain food that you ABSOLUTELY love and could eat all the time - except for one thing??? I love BBQ sausage (NO DIKK JOKES FUKKERS) but I cant eat more than a link and a half 'cause I end up getting a headache from all the grease or something. But dayumm that shit is good with some sauce in between some white bread with the sauce dripping down your fingers!!! Mmmmmmmm so good. In hind-sight you know that shit isn't very "good" for you and you shouldn't eat a ton of it anyway............. BUT FUKK IT'S SOOOOO GOOD!!!


I remember once when I met this girl. She was very cute and very "my type." She was nice and friendly, laughed at my jokes. She stared at me when I worked out and I stared at her when she did practically anything. Man, she was hot! But she had a bf... and she went through this little tortured relationship with him and his inability to actually love her... I never understood it really. So we were friends and such. YADAYADAYADA. Then a couple of years later, she and I were talking and at that point she was single, I was in a relationship - with nothing to lose. I asked her, "what ever happened to us?" She said something that I will never forget and that sometimes haunts me. She said that she regretted loosing me (?) and I was the one that got away........

Well fukkin piss on me and call me Buford!!!

I was shocked! Like just finding out that Darth Vader IS my father shocked!!! (btw my real father is not that caring or involved enough to tell me shit!) I was really quite surprised by that. Made me think that timing has a lot to do with EVERYTHING!!! kinda like catching the crosstown when you're ALREADY late for work - if u miss it, you're fukked like Chuck! But if u catch it, you'll be on time to work. Timing can affect the person that sleeps next to you. It can also save you from that same person................. trust me on this one. But it can also keep things from happening until it's time... U know, like when ur baking cookies and u wanna take them out already so u can enjoy their soft-gooey-chocolate-iness!!! OR u can wait and ALLOW time to do what it has to and enjoy that perfect cookie when the time is right. FUKK I HATE WAITING!

So I choose to wait... adrift on this ride we call Life. and while afloat, I will see and experience different things... question is, how's ur boat?

My Confessions

Dear My Helicopter Pilot,

It has been more than three years since my last confession. I have been through the forest and I have come out with a totally different outlook than I had when I went in. That outlook. That vision. That epiphany, if you wanna call it that, is you. The epiphany hit me when I questioned myself for the thousandth time, "why are you still thinking about her?" The answer to me was painfully obvious.

The truth is, when you were, in my eyes, "freaking out", I was freaking out. You even told me so. I didn't want to believe it but there it was the whole time. I made you freak out and that in turn made me freak out. I guess what I am saying is that I may have fueled the fire a lot more than I thought. I blame me for a lot of things. Mostly running away. That's my M.O. I don't know where it comes from but that's not what this is about.

What this is about is this: I have had ample time to "forget about you." No dice! I still have you on my mind... in my thoughts... on my phone... consuming my desire... caressing my memories...

When I think of where you are today, I think a ton of shit. You have moved on. I have moved on. Your three stars have undoubtedly moved on. What can a thousand plus days really do to us? I made a choice that I probably knew was wrong. Again. And now I feel like the biggest dick in the world. The first one should have told me what I needed to hear... not what I wanted to hear. And then I listened to the second voice and it said that I didn't need you. Fuck! Wrong again... I guess that's where this whole thing is coming from. This is my confession to you.

I confess that I was wrong a lot more times than you. I was wrong for not coming home that night and leaving you wondering where the fuck I was til 10 in the morning. I was wrong when I didn't tell you that I loved you when you needed me most. I was wrong when I turned you away when all you needed was a little confirmation of our bond. I was wrong when I treated you so poorly that I wanted to kill myself. I was wrong to let you go.

My base keeps telling me two things. One, if I never see you again, I will have shortcut myself. I will have self-fulfilled my own prophecy and live haunted forever. Two, if I ever find you again, I will truly do anything and everything I can to never let the stupid and fucked up shite ever get in our way again. I think I have said that before, and you have heard that before.

My promise, my commitment, my soul self-engraved vow is to take what you give me and preserve it for eternity. To take the gargoyles in my mind and set them in front of us to ward off all the evil that surrounds us. To let us be the Abe Lincolns that we were once before.

I dream of you all the time. I fantasize about us all the time. I remember the feeling that I had with you and I have desperately tried to recreate that and I just simply cannot. The taste is different. The smell is unbearable. The passion is bland. The texture is off. The comfort levels are all wrong. The feeling doesn't feel right. The mind doesn't think the same way. It's just wrong.

The only thing I expect from this is nothing. I don't expect you to read this. And if you do, I don't expect you to come running back to me. This is just me 'fessing to the shit and the processes that I have been dealing with ever since you drove away in tears. This is the process that I have been compiling since you walked out of my store that afternoon. I should have replied long before now but, the voices said no!

Don't say yes, just say maybe.......

-SR

I don't normally do this, but uh...

Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to You?
I hope so, or I'm in the wrong bed

Can you handle the truth?
"You want me on that wall! You need me on that wall!" yeah I guess so.

If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
L A H A I N A

Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
Nah, just some Prozac

Would you rather have loved and lost, or never have loved at all?
yes

Are there some songs you can’t listen to because they remind you of someone?
the demons in my head won't deviate from their play list

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?
Is that near Dallas?

How long ago did you hug someone?
earlier

Something that has made you mad in the last 24 hours?
inept people that happen to coexist in our branch office

Do you find it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgo

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
do I count?

Who was the last person you yelled at?
see Q #1

What's your favorite kind of soda?
baking

Are you taller than your mom?
she's a hispanic female... you do the math

Are you an emotional person?
depends on the wound

What did you have for breakfast today?
Rockstar Roasted Mocha

What are you listening to right now?
40 Year Old Virgin

What was the last thing to make you laugh?
the demons in my head

Can you say "I love you" in french?
yeah, but I don't talk to anyone that knows what it means

What food are you craving right now?
none... just have fajitas and guac

what are you going to do the rest of the night ?
I dunno

Do you still watch the Disney Channel?
only when Hannah's on

Has anyone told you a secret lately that you aren't allowed to tell anyone?
no, I have a big mouth

Are you addicted to anything?
AIR, DOS XX, MUSIC, FOOD, and THE DOG TRACK

Any plans this weekend?
Yankees-Astros Saturday

Do you dance in public?
yeah and I get laughs for it

Have you ever caused a crash before?
Yeah, but it wasn't my fault

What was the last thing your parents yelled at you for?
too long ago...

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
I get wood

Missing someone?
my friends that live in other states
CA, HI, FL

WIld Dreams

Sometimes you find yourself in a place where you finally get to experience your wildest dreams. You know, like being with the hottest girl (or girls) in high school and realizing the time you spend with that person. Talking to them or walking down the hall and having everyone in school be jealous of your connection. Having knock-out sex with them and knowing that other know that you're having knock-out sex with them. Oh, if we could all be so lucky.

Or maybe your dream is about being a rock star and performing on stage. Millions of people watching your every move and "feeling" your music. They adore you. They have seventeen of your posters plastered on their bedroom wall. They wear their favorite tour shirt of your band twice a week. You are their voice. You are their Comforter. You are the only one that truly understands them. You are their Rock-God.

Maybe one of your dreams is to go fast... fukkin fast. I stepped into one of my dreams the other day. And let me tell you, it WAS everything it was cracked up to be. The thrill is the best part. Nervous, excited, eyes wide open, hands in the air, "I cant wait for this roller coaster to start already" kind of thrill of driving a dream car. The dream cars is the Porsche 911S. The current version is a 3.8 liter, 355 horsepower, flat six, rear-engine, water-cooled, bullet-proof rocket!!! Who doesn't dream about taking one of these out on a long twisty road and feeling the G-forces pull your kidneys together. That's the kind of sensation I had the other day. I know. I know. I'm clouded and biased because I own one - albeit an older one. But like the love of a beautiful woman, or a smooth pour of an ages single malt whiskey, these bad boys just get better with time. And you cannot fault a guy that has been infatuated with these gems of a ride since oh, about birth. You can't hate something that gives you so much excitement. No matter what the cost.



After all - There is No Substitute.